What is “The Gift”?
“What is the appropriate amount for something sacred? Any amount is too little, and any amount is too much. If any amount is both too much or too little, why set a price to pay?”
When I refer to “the gift,” something I discuss frequently in podcast interviews and in my writing, and which forms the foundation of my business model, I find it important to delineate what I mean a bit more clearly here because it is a practice so far outside of our “common,” every-day operations in modern society.
Almost all of what is here is learned—or, honestly, directly copied (with permission, given his Creative Commons license)—from Charles Eisenstein, either through his book, Sacred Economics, or his online course, Living in the Gift, with adaptations made here and there. Mentioning all of this is not only giving more credit where credit is due but one way I offer Charles a continual gift in return, pointing you toward his brilliant work. I encourage you to buy both of those offerings of his in order to get a more comprehensive understanding of the subject and to be emboldened to implement more gift practices in your own life.
Otherwise, I am also largely inspired by Indigenous teachers, like Robin Wall Kimmerer. Her work and the work of many other Indigenous elders teach me about what it is to be in “right” relationship—not one of extraction, but of generosity and trust.
I’ll bury it here, too, in case you’re reading this far—because its source comes with some complications—but I once heard Pete Holmes recount one of his favorite Louis C.K. bits, in which a man is in a conversation with God that goes something like…
God: Why are you working?
Man: Because I have to pay for food.
God: Food?! I left that shit on the ground!
This makes me laugh every time, though I know that access to food (or housing, or love, etc.) isn’t quite that simple, given the “story” we live within today. Nonetheless, I like saying it to myself as a reminder that the operating reality of how we live today is still not the truth of nature/existence.
What it is:
A symbol of your having been moved, grateful and inspired. If what I create has generated any of these or related feelings in you, paying me, offering me something else (housing, books, etc.), or passing something on to someone else are all ways to offer your generosity in return. But how you express your gratitude is limited only by your imagination. If you feel inspired to give it, I’m profoundly grateful for your offering.
An entry ritual. Paying is a ritual of commitment. It signals to your subconscious mind that “this is for real,” taking it seriously, for my benefit (honoring what I create/offer) and for yourself (honoring what you most value in the world and the gifts I give that help fulfill that value).
Love of what we create and love of who we serve. These are the central motivations for living in the gift. I do this work because I love it. I host The Ecotone community and offer creative consulting because I love you, even if I don’t know you yet.
An acknowledgment of obligation, but in a good way. A gift creates a tie between two people, which isn't attractive to the separate self. Most of us don’t want to owe people anything, which is why we’re so reluctant to receive. Receiving a gift puts you in a position of obligation. Receiving is an affront to delusions of independence and invites us into greater dependency. Entering more deeply into living in the gift is entering into another story of the world. We lose some of our separateness and become more tied to each other and the world around us in this practice.
A release of control and force. You can’t control what gifts I give you, and I can’t control if or what I get in return. Control is an illusion and trying to force things to happen is a way I find we temporarily try to make ourselves feel better about the uncertainty of life. So, I find that a practice of living in the gift is an incredibly important reminder in my life—especially as I heal myself from an addiction to constantly “doing” (i.e., trying to force outcomes) in an effort to remain “safe.”
A recognition that our current economic and related systems mal-distribute money. While plenty of money is in circulation for all to be cared for, not all are cared for. This being the case, I do not want to create barriers to care, community, and inspiration if you do not have the same resources or access as others.
A message of trust. When I put what I create out, no matter whether or how much others pay me, it tells me, others, and “the universe” that I trust I will be cared for. I want you to know that I trust you. I trust you to be generous because I think people are inherently generous and not extractive. Similarly, I want to send a message that you can trust me to not be extractive of you. I am not doing this to get as much money as possible out of you; I am doing it because I can’t not do it and because I believe it’s truly healing for others to have. If you doubt my sincerity, please don’t give or please stop giving at any point.
What it is not:
Free. This would imply that what I offer isn’t actually very good, so it’s not worth your time, money, or commitment. Free also disrespects the amount of time and effort involved in creating what I offer, as well as everyone I pay to help produce what I offer (like my podcast production team) and the value of what I create itself. Still, $0 might be what you determine is “appropriate” for you to pay right now, and that is perfectly welcome.
Pay-What-You-Can. This isn’t actually a serious suggestion. What you “can” pay likely isn’t what’s “appropriate” to pay. If you can pay something and choose to pay nothing or very little, you might be devaluing my work. Similarly, if you have the means and choose to pay me a million dollars, that’s likely not an “appropriate” amount, either.
A trick. I’m not trying to manipulate you, weird you out, stress you out, or anything that would generally make you feel like you’re being deceived or guilted in some way. I know it can be hard to know how much is “appropriate” to pay people, so if you don’t feel comfortable receiving gifts and not knowing how much you’re “indebted” in the receiving (hot tip: you get to decide!), feel free to ask my thoughts after you’ve engaged with my offerings, and I’ll be happy to talk it through with you.
Forced. Though what I give is not free, it is not up to me to judge your return gift. Perhaps you don’t have money to give financially now, perhaps you’d like to gift me in some other way, or perhaps you’d like to gift my work or the value you receive from it forward to others. It is not up to me to decide what is appropriate; it is up to you. If what you give is out of obligation or pressure (not rightfully informing you but unduly coercing you) it is no longer a “gift.”
About living outside of the money economy. This isn’t about being “good” or “pure” or even self-improvement. This is about recognizing how the true nature of the universe already works—gifts are already available to us—because you do not have to earn your way to love. I’m not a better person because I practice living in the gift. I don’t believe that if you set prices for your own work that it’s any better/worse than the model I operate under. And I’m not better than money. Money is still currently a very real part of our world, and pretending that myself or others can live “outside” of it would be a form of bypassing. You need it and I need it. Money is one way we organize our lives and how things work and we have to deal with it somehow. This is how I choose to deal with it.
A model I can offer only because of privilege. Though, certainly, having various privileges does often make it easier to do. Still, my life and work cost a lot of money to sustain, just as yours do for you. But the gift economy is one of literal abundance—meeting need where we have excess. When I have extra strawberries, I give them away to someone who needs them. When you have extra bread, you give it away to others who need it. I have excess gifts (aka, talents) in the areas where I offer my work, so I gift them to the worlld. The gift is not about asking you to give where you are already incredibly depleted. That would be extractive. So, I offer what I can, when I can offer it. If you want to see me be able to offer more of it because it’s of value to you, giving to me out of gratitude where you have excess to give is what I trust you’ll do, even if it requires shifting around some of your own time and resources. If I don’t have enough financial support to continue running This Plus That, I expect I’ll continue offering my gifts to the world, but not in this way. So, again, money helps me keep running it, if you find value in it.
Practiced perfectly. Though I try to offer myself, my friendship/relationships, my talents, and everything else as gifts, I still frequently find myself getting emotional or dysregulated when someone doesn’t give back to me what I think I “deserve” or what I think would fulfill one of my legitimate human needs. The closer you are to me, the more you likely know this to be true. So, I’m not feigning perfection here so much as I am trying to practice the world I want to see. Trust and giving are incredibly difficult work for many of us as we learn to attune more to our safety in the world—ultimately, an act of working through our deepest traumas. I don’t always do it perfectly because I am still working through mine, and your nervous system might not feel safe enough to do it all the time—or in even a single way right now—and that’s okay. We’re in this boat together. As far as I’m concerned, we are all sick until we are all well.